DEAR PRUDENCE
Dear Prudence: My parents found religion when I was 14. My younger sister and I went from having a normal childhood to being expected to be at church three times a week and give up any of our possessions for the good of the poor. Any gifts from friends and relatives were immediately taken away to be sold and tithe to the church. Then my folks got to be foster parents and started cramming as many kids as they could into our house. I managed to escape by joining the armed forces, but my sister suffered another eight years of the insanity until she moved in with her boyfriend. She later moved in with me after I got out and started my business. I have been very successful.
My relationship with my parents is frosty because they are committed to the idea that I didn’t earn any of it and it all came from God. So every time we speak they bang the drum that they are broke and need money for their mission or throw sob stories about my other “siblings.” It’s to the point I no longer take their calls. The problem is they keep getting through to my sister. She is still somewhat brainwashed and wants to be close to our parents, so they use her as their mouth piece. I have repeatedly asked her to stop, but she continues. It is hard because we live under the same roof and it breeds resentment in me because I pay all the bills — including her school tuition. How do I talk to her?
—Earned It All My Own
Dear Earned It: Your sister has been through a lot, and clearly moving away from your parents didn’t undo the damage they did to her. I can see that she wants to make them happy and may sincerely believe that their worldview is the right one. I’m sure her heart is in the right place. But now that she’s an adult, she also needs to be responsible for her own relationships and how her words affect others. A thorough conversation in which you explain all this (instead of just saying “Stop it!”) might help, or you could even make it a condition of her living with you that she take advantage of her school’s counseling services to help her navigate family tension. (That would be how you’d frame it to get her in the door, but of course you’d hope that her therapist would ultimately work with her on placing her upbringing into perspective.)
If all else fails, try this: “I’ve thought about it and you are right. To free up more money for helping our parents and their mission, maybe I’ll move into a studio and stop paying your school tuition. You can move back in with mom and dad to help with the kids, which I’m sure will be rewarding for you. How does that sound?” I’m sure you won’t hear too many more complaints.