CAROLYN HAX
Dear Carolyn: My sister wants our 85-year-old mother to move closer to her. Our mother, who is in good health, still drives, is active in her church and has lots of friends, wants to remain in her home.
I’m supportive of her staying home and have told her I will be available to help her as much as possible. I’m three hours away. My sister is livid that our mother won’t move, is calling her selfish and says she will no longer be able to help her. I think our mom has a right to make her own decisions and don’t understand why my sister is so angry.
I really don’t want a family rift. How can I help my sister understand our mom’s wishes?
— Trying To Keep The Peace
The biggest issue I can see here, for you, is that every issue in your letter is more of an issue than you realize. So I’ll take them one at a time in reverse order, in hopes of making some rift-explaining (or mending!) sense.
First, your signature: This is not about peace. It is about needs and the ability of all three of you to understand, anticipate and meet one another’s, respectfully and realistically. So if your focus remains on “keep[ing] the peace,” then you will remain as you are now, on the outside.
Next: The word “rift” is probably accurate, but the bigger issue is frustration. It’s mutual, I’m guessing, between your mom and sister over the mismatched … let’s call it chronology of their thinking.
Your mom is in the now. She is a healthy, competent adult with her own life, and it doesn’t take an oracle to see why she doesn’t want to move. I wouldn’t either. Your sister is in the future. I don’t blame her for this one bit. There is so much I can’t know about your mom’s immediate circumstances. Your mom could be a decade from needing help, if ever; her peer group could be multigenerational; her home may have been chosen or adapted for aging in place; one of you could need her before she needs you.
But there is something we all can know, just because it’s life we’re talking about here: Whatever her circumstances, her “now” will come to an end. It doesn’t take an oracle, certainly, to see that an 85-yearold and her car keys aren’t in a long-term relationship. And while all of us need a Plan B at every age and your mom could be fine for years, her independence is facing more and more immediate challenges.
Next: If she’s A-okay with this reality because she assumes you and your sister — from significant drives away — are her Plan B, then your sister’s frustration starts making sense, doesn’t it?
Because even loving, freely given support over a hard distance takes a physical, emotional and economic toll — on caregivers and recipients alike. It can be done, yes. Families wear out airports and highways for one another every day, and maybe the three of you will ultimately choose to do the same if the need arises. But it’s too big and too much just to assume — and it’s too sacred a promise for “available to help … as much as possible” to cover it.
It’s a commitment that wants a plan. So, next: Calling your mom “selfish” doesn’t help, for sure, nor does your sister’s petulance — and if your mom doesn’t want to move, then your mom doesn’t want to move, and she may not need you or your sister for years or ever, and all that.
Yet: In her regrettable way, whether it was her selfless motive to begin with or not, your sister is making a valid case for some kind of rational communication about What Comes Next, in the hope-itnever-gets-here possible future where Mom’s independence runs out.