The Bakersfield Californian

CAROLYN HAX

ADVICE WITH ATTITUDE & A GROUNDED SET OF VALUES

Dear Carolyn: My daughter’s secondgrad­e teacher gave each kid a certificat­e at the end of the year. Many had “Nice Friend” or “Good Reader” on them, but a few stood out: “Class Clown,” “Miss Manners” and “Social Butterfly” seemed most egregious to me. My daughter was “Miss Manners,” and she is indeed polite.

The school principal thought the certificat­es and labels were “heartfelt.” I’ve also contacted the district superinten­dent but haven’t received a reply. Am I being too sensitive in thinking these are backhanded compliment­s, or just plain rude labels? I would’ve been more upset had my child been labeled “Class Clown.”

— K.

The district superinten­dent?

I don’t love some of these, either. I might have said to the teacher: “Superlativ­es always flirt with stereotype­s, and I know you mean well, and I’m seriously splitting hairs. But ‘Funniest’ and ‘Best Manners’ would land better because they’re rewarding vs. labeling.”

Might have said. I also might not have said boo. Because teacher, heartfelt, second grade, June ...

But district superinten­dent? This teacher ran your kid’s kitten rodeo every business day for nine months, said goodbye to each kitten with lovingly drawn-up certificat­es that, okay, inched (millimeter­ed?) over the line in some (hardly new) cases, and your idea of an appropriat­e response was to set your own hair on fire and run to the district superinten­dent?

Uhhhhhhgh. Pretend I’m handing you two envelopes.

Envelope 1, a letter to said superinten­dent, cc’d to teacher and principal:

“I am writing to withdraw my complaint about the certificat­es given in Teacher’s class. While I maintain that, for example, ‘Funniest’ and ‘Best Manners’ would have flirted less with troublesom­e stereotype­s, the awards were obviously well intentione­d and missed by small margins.

“My reaction, meanwhile, was out of proportion to any offense on the teacher’s part. I apologize sincerely for taking actions that could imperil a teacher’s job for, it’s clear to me now, trying to show they cared about each child as an individual.” Envelope 2, a certificat­e:

“That Parent.”

I’m going to ask you to pick one, but only after you read this next part first:

Fates willing, you have a long road ahead of you as a conscienti­ous parent supervisin­g your child’s education.

The road will have hazards, detours and potholes, I promise.

These, however, are reasonable goals:

1. To round out a crew (including your child and the school) that navigates these hazards and meets your child’s educationa­l needs. A parent’s role on this crew is mostly about values, stability and caregiving at home, and hands-on at school when necessary.

2. To have a functional definition of “necessary.” Again, as your child gets older, she will increasing­ly become the one who determines whether and how you need to intervene at the school. Until then — when she is still tiny — it’s your call and proportion is everything, picking the right strategy for the right battles.

Now. Which envelope?

Hint: The time to ask whether you’re “being too sensitive” is before you put out a hit on someone’s livelihood for an attempted kindness, not after.