ASKING ERIC
Editor’s note: Amy Dickinson has retired her Ask Amy column. R. Eric Thomas will be giving out advice in a new syndicated column.
Dear Eric: My youngest son (my baby!) had a horrible breakup last year. I still hate her and sob-yelled during an Alanis Morrissette concert to “You Oughta Know.” Said son is adorable, nice, has a great job that he loves, etc. Yet, he won’t date.
Let’s be clear. I need grandchildren from this boy. He’s the best one of the bunch (don’t tell the others). How do I encourage him to get out there without actually saying those words? Or do I just adopt more cats as my grandchildren?
Morose Mom
Dear Mom: Cats. As I vividly recall from the Morrissette-fueled sob-yell periods of my youth, the chorus of “You Oughta Know” includes the line “I’m here to remind you of the mess you left when you went away.” Alanis would no doubt remind us that getting over any breakup, particularly a horrible one, can be a long, grueling experience.
There’s a rule of thumb that posits it takes half the length of a relationship to get over the end of said relationship. But don’t go running to your calendar to circle some due date in your son’s future.
This process is his own to create and he is currently taking the time he needs to heal. The last thing you want is for him to jump into a rebound relationship and start having babies. You clearly have a lot of compassion for your son, which is wonderful. But be careful not to slide into codependent tendencies. The breakup may hurt you but it’s still his breakup. Tread carefully and keep your comments in the supportive, rather than prescriptive, range.
Dear Eric: I am 67 years old and have kept a daily diary since I was 15. I grew up in the ’70s and things were, shall we say, a little crazy (sex, drugs and rock ’n’ roll, as experienced by a woman who went to a parochial school and wasn’t exactly a model of obedience). Times were different.
Now, I wonder what to do with all of these volumes of my life. I’m married, but we have no children and no relatives that I would even remotely consider entrusting the good, bad and ugly of my/ our lives to. I feel as though they have historical meaning, perhaps significant to some entity, but finding that entity has been problematic. Any suggestions?
Daily Diarist
Dear Diarist: What a beautiful gift you’ve given yourself. Please, don’t stop even if you haven’t found a historian or museum that might want your diaries, yet.
Years back, I worked with an organization called SAGE, which collects oral histories from LGBTQ+ elders relating to their experiences in housing. Our goal was to find anecdotal evidence of housing discrimination to help inform policymaking, but the best way to do that was to simply ask people to reflect on their past and tell stories. It was one of the most fulfilling experiences of my life and helped me to see my own future much differently.
In the future, you may want to redact the spicier parts of the diaries and talk to a community organization, historian, or even a local theater company about making a donation they can use to create something new. Consider reaching out to local history departments to see if they have any grad students focusing on times you have an insight into. Talk about your diary practice with friends, relatives, and acquaintances. Tell them what this practice has meant to you and what you’ve learned. By sharing this part of your life and letting people know the diaries exist, you may spark ideas in others.
Email questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@asking eric.com.