Day at the museum
If you want to see a flying whale, go to the Natural History Museum in London. Well, the whale isn’t technically flying. That’s because it’s dead. Even live whales don’t fly, unless there’s something David Attenborough hasn’t told me.
Right when you enter the muse - um, you see that enormous skeleton suspended from the ceiling: a whole blue whale, or what’s left of it.
Gazing at this miracle of creation, you forget your dull, everyday concerns.
It doesn’t matter where you’re going to have lunch, or what day of the week it is, or wha t the person next to you is saying, even if he or she is your spouse.
Your mind turns to lof tier, more important questions. For example, “How did we come to be? What will we leave behind?”
Also, “If this thing fell right now, how big of a dent would it put in the floor?”
The whale skeleton isn’t the only thing in the museum that can make an impression. There’s an entire room on one of the upper s tories that’s devoted to rocks.
Imagine all those priceless trea - sures sailing through the air, leaving priceless gaping holes in the price - less pretty windows. But I shouldn’t encourage this sort of thinking.
Those rocks in their displa y cases deserve to be appreciated. So I give them some focused appreciation for a minute. Maybe two.
They don’t react. It’s like they don’t even care. I head for a more entertaining section of the museum.
One of the lower f loors is filled with terrifying sea monsters and cute little children. Or maybe it’s the other way around.
I don’t mind the fossilized ich - thyosaur ( in scientific lingo, “fish monster”) or plesiosaur (“even bigger fish monster”). They’re rather majestic when they’re stretched out to their full lengths.
It’s when a kid whaps me with one of those squishy spider toys that I nearly jump through a priceless wall.
The kid should be happy there ’s no mosasaurus in this e xhibit, or I’d feed him to it. For all you scientists out there, a mosasaurus is the freak - ing massive fish monster in “Jurassic World.”
Fish fossils aren’t the only things on the ground floor. I also spot a room devoted to bugs. Ambling through it, I learn se veral interesting facts.
Beetles’ shells are made of chitin. Butterflies taste with their feet. And there are probably 58 species of ter - mite living in my house.
And that’s a low estimate. But I shouldn’t worry. Most of these domestic invaders are harmless, even if there are 3,000 of them snug gling up in the walls.
Between them and the ichthyosaurs, I’ ll definitely sleep well tonight.
All too soon, it ’s time to leave. My sister is sending increasingly unsub - tle signals that if I don’t get going, she’ll turn into a fossil.
We turn away from the museum and walk into the sunse t.
Of all times, it ’s a shame we have to leave now. I heard the whole place comes alive after nightfall, unless there’s something Ben Stiller hasn’t told me.
I wonder what happens to the whale.
Alexandra Paskhaver is a software engineer and writer. Both jobs require knowing where to stick semicolons, but she’s never quite; figured; it; out. For more information, check out her website at https:// apaskhaver. github.io.
Dear readers, please consider this column a friendly public reminder. It is offered in the hope that harmony will reign throughout the land on Friday, May 10th and Sunday, May 12th, Mother’s Day in Mexico and the U.S., respectively. After all, we are a border community and need to be aware of dual Mother’s Days. Harmony and love for all as seen on the Hallmark channel, are difficult to realize, but we’ll try our best.
Guys. If you are planning to purchase flowers for your Mom or wife, remember that many, many men will be doing the same. Buy your flowers a day or two in advance and hide them in your clothes closet or the beer fridge in the garage. The line last year at Vons, just to buy flowers, was quite long. You can always tell if it’s a special occasion because there are guys shopping tha t don’t usually frequent grocery stores. They look uneasy in the f lowers line balancing a few six packs and a bag of Slim Jims.
If your Mom or wife is a double dipper and celebrates both the U.S. and Mexican Mother’s Day, don’t fight it. There will be consequences if you do. The U. S. celebration by federal law is always the second Sunday of May. Mexicans celebrate El Dia de la M adre on May 10th. The challenge for us gift givers is that these holidays are back to back. T his is life on the border.
We need to be cle ver and not stupid. A gift given on Saturday May 11th doesn’t count for the prior Friday or the following Sun - day. Nice try. You probably have a childhood friend whose bir thday is close to C hristmas. The poor kid would get the bicycle for Christmas, but he had to wait till January 5th, his birthday, to be gifted the tires. This creates all sorts of psychological problems. My friend whose birthday was close to Christmas spent the rest of his life unsure of his due. H e’d go to the ice cream s tore wondering if he’d get the cone or the scoop of ice cream on an y given day.
You don’t give half the flowers on Friday and the rest on Sunday. If you do, you might only g et beans on Friday and just rice on Sunday. You get the idea.
So here is some advice. T here was a jewelry ad on TV. The woman was wearing a beautiful diamond necklace. The male child next to her is fascina ted by the small jewel that spins within the jeweled heart. He’s learning. He’s being groomed. This will extend to future girlfriends and his wife. This is not a celebration for being tight with that credit card so buy the necklace. Don’t buy the deluxe Shark vacuum cleaner. Want to sleep in the close t with the vacuum? Stick to the necklace.
It’s awkward to bring this up, but the founder of the U.S. Mother’s Day, Anna Jarvis, began it as a church service celebration in 1907 as a memorial to her mother. She became disillusioned that the holiday became commercialized initially, by Hallmark, the greeting card company, a chocolatier, and then a company selling carnations. Jarvis was arrested for disturbing the peace in 1925
Let this be a lesson. Spring for the necklace, and let us all live in Hallmark-like harmony.