Mom sees different parenting styles as critiques of her choices
Adapted from an online discussion
Hi, Carolyn: My mom tends to take every parenting decision I make as a critique of HER parenting, unless I do it exactly the same way she did it in the 1980s and ’90s. This is true even though I have repeatedly reminded her of all the ways in which my kids’ childhood differs from mine – different generation, different health concerns, different culture, different human beings. It results in her feelings being hurt constantly by things she should not be taking personally. Any suggestions?
Parent
Parent: Ignore her actings-out thoroughly, consistently, without explanation or reminder, and with a verging-onabsurd cheery disregard for the sideshow of her woundedness. Do your thing your way and smile and carry on, without explaining or defending yourself. She can either wallow or get over it, her choice, but you’re just dandy with it all and are ready to welcome her warmly when the get-over-it memo finally reaches her brain.
And, because you’re a nice person who clearly wants your mom in your life, and because not all parental info expires on a five-year cycle, look for opportunities to welcome her expertise. Every genuine contribution will dampen her urges to compete with you – which can move you both closer to the “over it” place, if that’s where you both want to be.
If instead she reads every inch as a mile, then hold cheerfully firm at the inch marker.
Dear Carolyn: My partner and I have been together for seven years, living together for three. We aren’t married yet but probably will be soon.
He just got a great job offer and wants to know what I think. There are a lot of good reasons NOT to take it, including that he would have to leave a job he loves, take on a much more rigorous work-life balance and need some additional education in his field. But he would be making almost double what he’s earning now, which would give us a lot of options, especially if we have kids someday.
I feel so much pressure surrounding everything I say about this decision. Telling him I want him to take the job seems totally self-interested. I don’t want to seem like a gold digger who just wants him to make more money at whatever cost to his emotional health. Also, we’re not married yet and there is always a chance either of us decides we don’t want to be. For the record, our finances are separate for now, and I earn slightly more in a related field. Pressured
Pressured: Listen to him carefully and repeat it back to him. “I hear you making a lot of arguments for/against [Choice X]. Am I hearing that right?” “I hear you talking yourself into/out of [Choice Y]. Fair?”
Or, facilitate without giving opinions. Keep the pro-con list, for example, or stick to asking him pointed questions.
When he wants hard opinions: “I don’t want to influence your decision, even by accident, and get my self-interest involved.” If he wants your self-interest, then he can ask for it.
Or: Offer radical transparency. “I don’t want to seem like a gold digger who just wants you to make more money at whatever cost to your emotional health.”
Email Hax at tellme@washpost.com.