Argus Leader

Family clown hopes to pivot by offering sincere support

Hi, Carolyn: Sadly, my aunt is approachin­g the end of a multiyear terminal battle with cancer. It’s going to be really tough for everyone, especially my mom, her other sisters and her kids. I’m entirely on the sidelines and don’t know how to be more supportive. Nobody brings up her condition in depth or how they’re feeling, though I do ask. Can I change this now? I am visiting her soon.

With my mom and aunts, I’m mainly a source of comic relief and lightheart­ed distractio­n. I want to be somebody they can talk to about their feelings.

With my aunt’s adult children, about my age, I also want to be supportive, but I’ve kept them at arm’s length for the past 15 years for my well-being, given some of their repeated behaviors. – Family Clown

Family Clown: You feel an ache to get closer to your family, and that sounds like an emotional transforma­tion for you. That’s a good thing – one that commonly accompanie­s a hard goodbye. Death is destabiliz­ing and churns up a lot of other stuff with it, a lot of outdated certaintie­s and givens. But it also can create chaotic emotional cravings, aka mess. So it might be easier on you if you narrow your focus. Look at the list of people you want to connect with more deeply, then choose the best one as a start. To me it’s obvious, your mom, but your aunt makes sense, too. The cousins probably come off the list entirely for now, at least under your current pressure; undoing 15 years of having good reasons not to interact with them is a project for clearer-thinking times.

So let’s say you start with your mother. Instead of asking how she’s doing, try something more expository. “You know I keep things light, kind of my role, but I see what you’re going through now and I want to be more helpful. Is there something specific I can do for you? If you want to lean on me, I’m here.”

If she’s receptive, then you can float ideas about more concrete assistance. If she’s not receptive, then don’t give up, long term – but also don’t press in the short term. That would verge on asking her to help you feel better about this, which is the exact opposite of supporting her. Just be present and attentive to needs.

I’m sorry about your aunt.

Readers’ thoughts:

● Don’t overlook helping with the very practical. Driving your aunt to appointmen­ts is an obvious one. There are probably a lot of neglected tasks that, if your aunt wants and will accept the help, will lighten the load for the caregivers who are there.

Also, just being there and being quiet. My sister got visitors at all hours of the day from people who were concerned about her being alone. By just knowing I was there, people would leave her alone and she could get some sleep. Another day she just wanted to get out for a while (she couldn’t drive). Sometimes just show up and follow their lead.

● As the comic relief in my family, I just want to give family clowns the credit they deserve. Don’t underestim­ate that contributi­on. People need a break during heavy times, and being able to make sad people laugh is an incredible gift many folks can’t pull off. So sure, offer to help, but keep the comedy medicine coming.