Parents want nothing to do with their daughter’s cheating husband
Dear Carolyn: My married daughter, a mother of four, discovered her husband cheated on her when she was out of town. He left three children, including a 3-year-old, home alone to hook up with a Tinder date. This woman contacted my daughter with proof of the dalliance.
They are seeing a marriage therapist and both hope to reconcile.
My husband and I want nothing to do with him. This is not the first time it has happened.
I have told my daughter that when they visit, she and the children will be welcome but not her husband. She is angry and wants us all on the same team.
Thoughts?
Anonymous
Anonymous: Well, he sounds awful – or in the grip of something awful. Substance abuse, sex addiction and mental illness all can involve risky and impulsive sex.
I understand it feels too dishonest to have to be civil to someone who, no exaggeration, risked the lives of the people you love most in the world just to indulge himself.
Here’s the but: Your daughter needs all the support she can get. Not for her choices, necessarily, but for her as a person. She needs all the healthy connections she can get, too.
And she is the one who decides whether he remains in your family. You decide who is and isn’t welcome in your home, always, but as far as his place in her life, she’s the last word.
This obviously puts you in an incredibly awkward position.
Your outrage demands that he never cross your threshold again. Your values are probably split – you want to condemn your son-in-law into oblivion but also remain a welcoming place for your daughter’s family, which means accepting her husband as a part of that. He is your grandchildren’s father regardless. You probably already feel you’ve lost enough in this mess and urgently don’t want to be at odds with your daughter.
Whenever things get so snarled, it’s worth trying to tease out each thread to identify the most important. Having a top priority – such as “Being there for our daughter” or “Taking a clear moral stand” – can uncomplicate things in one stroke.
If that doesn’t work, then admit to your daughter you’re torn but don’t want to make things worse. Then ask: “What helps you the most?” You can then comply, ask for time to think or comply with a disclaimer – that you trust her but can’t flip a switch on him, you’ll need to process.
She’s had therapy for this, you haven’t. She may refuse this “assignment” – she has enough going on without having to hold your hand through it, too. In that case, say you understand and back off. But it’s a valid point: She wants your support, but that can mean a lot of different things, so you want her input.
I’m sorry. I hope he does the serious work he needs right now, whether the marriage survives this or not.