Parent pushes son not to exclude abusive mom from his wedding
Dear Carolyn: My son and his lovely fiancée are planning a fall wedding. I have been divorced from my son’s mom for over 15 years. He is an only child. My ex was extremely emotionally abusive to both my son and me. My son has struggled with his mental health as a result. Fortunately, he was very proactive in seeking care and is doing well now. I am in a stable long-term relationship and doing well myself.
The issue is that he has cut off contact with his mom and has decided not to invite her to the wedding. My son is very fond of my significant other and has included her on the guest list. Although I have no contact with my ex, I do feel she should be included in the wedding. I have talked with my son, suggesting alternatives such as including her in the ceremony only. I have also talked with his fiancée, who agrees with me. We also agree it is ultimately up to my son to decide, but I am concerned that my son’s decision will negate any chance to repair the relationship with his mom. I am struggling with how to handle this. My son has asked me not to talk to his mom about it and stated unequivocally that he does not care what the consequences are of his decision. My partner thinks my son should include his mom, but also that I should not push the issue. There is still plenty of time before the wedding. – Dad
Dad: Stop – all of you, but you especially. The issue is not that your son has cut ties to his mom and left her off the guest list. The issue is that you won’t accept his decision. You won’t grant him full respect for his hard work to get healthy, or for his courage in making a tough decision, or for his standing as the person best able to determine what is good for him. The issue is that you won’t drop it. You’re hanging on to the asterisk that says you all know what he needs better than he does.
To be fair – maybe you have dropped the subject around him, since you do say you and the advisory panel are in agreement that the decision is ultimately his. Still, you’re treating it as a live issue in your mind, hoping your son will change his. You’re hoping I can help you figure out something you can say or do between now and autumn to make that happen. There is a risk to your refusal to accept his decision as final, and it is fourfold.
The first part, as you can attest, is that it will keep eating at you. Second: Few of us are persuasive actors. If all you’re doing is summoning your willpower to keep your mouth shut on the subject around your son, then your son will pick up on that. He has had more than enough family stress for his young lifetime; he does not need to feel your eyes on him, imploring him to do what you and others think he “should” do. Third, you’ve made wanting him to reconcile with his abuser your primary purpose, and that is so problematic that I urge a good, gnarly think about why you chose it and why you won’t let it go. Top of your to-do list. Fourth, and most important, is that it keeps alive the certainty that you know your son better than he knows himself. If you want a healthy relationship with a healthy son, then kill that certainty right now. If you want a healthy relationship with a healthy son, then trust him.
Please consider giving him the gift of confidence – in the form of a dad who respects his son’s ability to run his own life for himself. That has a next-level protective effect.
Email Hax at tellme@washpost.com.