Her family left all the kitchen work to her, so she went on strike
Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: I’ve been simmering in rage and frustration at my family for two years and haven’t come up with a better solution – so I’ve gone on kitchen strike.
I live with my husband, our preteen child and my mother-in-law, who popped in for “a weekend” during COVID and simply never left. My husband and I both work demanding jobs, but he returned to the office a while ago and I’m still teleworking.
No one EVER attempts to deal with anything in the kitchen – not the cooking, cleaning, maintenance, nothing – except me. I have tried assigning “dinner days” to my husband; he simply ignores them or “forgets.” My mother-in-law is old-fashioned and doesn’t believe her son should do any kitchen stuff anyway, but also has no interest in helping out herself. (“Can’t remember” how to turn on our oven, etc.)
These are otherwise thoughtful, loving relatives – my very favorite people. The message I’m receiving is just that under no circumstances will they take any of the kitchen work off my plate. So I’ve stopped doing any. I feel like a petulant child, and I don’t know how to work my way back out of this strike now that it’s begun. Help!! – On Strike
On Strike: Go, you. It’s totally unacceptable that two adults in the household have dumped all this work on a third. It’s totally acceptable for you to quit.
Who feeds the child? And teaches about shared work and respect and when and where to draw lines? What else is happening in the wide world of chores there – are your mother-in-law and husband assuming any other chores? Absent these details, I’ll throw out a “comeback” plan. It’s “dinner days” but with enforcement teeth:
● Assign two nights per adult and one for the preteen.
● Dinners can be cooking, reheating, sandwiching or (for the adults) ordering out.
● Taking responsibility for your night (s) is required to partake in others’. Meaning, I prepare my two dinners somehow, or else I don’t get to join the family dinners on other nights.
● If someone refuses, then they’re out of the rotation and each one in the rotation adds nights.
● The key is that nonparticipants get nothing. They’re on their own. No more covering for people who don’t pitch in. If the husband and/or squatter refuse, then you and preteen have your own dinner system as opters-out fend for themselves.
Not a minor point: If someone had come for the weekend and then never left, without asking first, then I’d have rage-struck years ago. So: 1. You may be a saint. 2. You may need some hard therapeutic work on saying “no” much sooner to these “thoughtful” people. Readers’ thoughts:
● If you teach the preteen to make their own meals, then that guiltless creature will get fed and learn self-sufficiency. If the preteen can’t cook, or even make a peanut butter sandwich, they are unprepared for life.
● Many years ago, I went on strike. It didn’t really help, so I changed my perspective. Eggs and toast became completely acceptable for dinners. Nothing complicated. Cereal. Just keep the basics stocked and let the chips fall where they may.
Email Hax at tellme@washpost.com.