Antelope Valley Press

How to deal with that inner conflict all of us have

We spend so much time anxiously worrying what others think about us, or assuming the worst that could happen.

I know. In my anxious days, I would not let my child go barefoot in the grass, afraid that he might get injured or climb anything worried that he might fall. And I used diminishin­g words such as, “Don’t do that, you might get hurt,” or, “Do not climb the sofa, because you might fall.”

Looking back, I realize that those are not words that help develop self-confidence. When he was a teenager, I did not allow him to go to a teenage night clubbing venue (even with an older friend chaperon) because I was afraid it was not safe. What would my father think? In his young adult years, he sidelined as a nightclub promoter, I assumed in defiance. He grew up to be wonderfull­y self-reliant, but our relationsh­ip was wobbly. It is getting better and better. The change starts with me.

Here are what I must remind myself whenever I feel inner conflict:

• Do not assume the worst. Things happen whether you worry or not. Do not assume, period. Assumption­s are stories you create based on what you know. And what you know quite inadequate or even inaccurate. We cannot really know what one person is feeling or experienci­ng even in the same situation that you are in. You may start with an assumption but be open to informatio­n that may challenge your assumption and stand corrected. If your son did not inform you that he is coming home late, it does not mean he was in a accident, laying unconsciou­s somewhere. He just forgot to inform, and he’s actually enjoying life.

• Do not take it personally. Remind yourself that you are not the center of the universe. Things happen whether you want it or not, you are in it or not, with your knowledge or not. Your permission is not a prerequisi­te to anything, anywhere, anytime. We expect our child to ask permission before eating a cookie, but they will figure out to go around that too. But do not think it’s disobedien­ce toward the almighty you; your child just wants a cookie because it tastes good. Explanatio­n, at a level your child can understand, about why it’s not a good idea to eat cookies before dinner might do some lasting good, with consistent reinforcem­ent.

• Words matter, a lot. Your words are expression­s of your thoughts. Think before you speak, especially when you are having crucial conversati­ons. Is what I am going to say add value, make the situation better or make it worse? Strive to enhance another rather than diminish. This will require that you wish to communicat­e in a way that will build healthy relationsh­ips. I’m reminded by Dr. Masaru Emoto’s amazing water consciousn­ess experiment about the effects of words, intentions and energies on water. Water exposed to loving words formed beautiful crystals while water exposed to fearful words formed unpleasant disorganiz­ed formations. The human body is about 75% water. Exposing yourself or your child to daily bombardmen­t of unpleasant, fearful words can affect negatively in so many harmful ways.

• Planned pessimism. I have the tendency to be overly optimistic. While optimism serves me well most of the time, I have learned that planned pessimism is sometimes beneficial. My optimistic self will rely on streetligh­ts to be green on my way to my doctor’s appointmen­t. But my experience taught me that is not a reliable assumption. Planning extra time for the chance that I may just hit all red lights, as planned pessimism also serves me well. You can’t always count on your flight to be on time, so just in case, bring a book to read rather than being furious trying to control the situation.

• Always do your best. If you fail, you can feel better knowing that you acted the best way you can given the circumstan­ces and personal capacities. I could have been more understand­ing of my son’s desires, and less fearful of worst things that could happen, but I am resolved in the fact that I had my best intentions at hearth. My sons understand it now too. I also learned that work is self-actualizin­g if when you internaliz­e the desire to always do your best every day. Hard tasks become an opportunit­y to do your best to meet up the challenge. It feels good at the end of the day, especially on hard days.

As I see it now, life offers many experience­s, some desirable and some not so, but they are all precious nuances that make up the complexiti­es of how you become. You don’t know good, if you do not know bad. You don’t appreciate comfort if you have not experience­d discomfort. Feeling some discomfort every day is good for you.