Parents’ clash over child’s screen time is affecting their marriage
Dear Carolyn: My wife and I have a beautiful, precocious 3-year-old daughter, “Violet.” Both my wife and I are teachers, her with a degree in early childhood education, and me teaching English to teens. For Violet’s first two years, my wife stayed home with her, and we agreed screens of any kind were verboten. We are pleased with her cognitive development, and partially attribute it to the no-screen rule — in addition to my wife being a rock star educator.
We are both working full time again and are often exhausted at the end of the day. In addition to keeping Violet occupied by reading, playing and dancing, my wife and I have very little time to keep up with the housework, let alone time for ourselves to decompress. Our tempers can be short with each other and with Violet, and the stress is manifesting as health issues for both of us. We watch TV to relax, but that is out of the question during Violet’s waking hours.
For our sanity as well as Violet’s understanding of the greater world she lives in (peers, teachers, waiting rooms), I think it is time to introduce her to TV and movies, 30 minutes a day.
However, my wife thinks it may drift into longer, passive sessions meant to babysit rather than educate. She has also implied that I am lazy, attempting to shirk daddy duties — a can of worms for a future letter. Suffice it to say there has been counseling, in part for a perceived lack of effort to adequately parent.
At work, I see the impact of excessive screen use on developing minds. But Violet cannot grow up in a bubble. And I think our marriage, whether my wife believes it or not, could benefit from a little family cuddling on the couch. I also believe something’s got to give, and if it’s not this, then it might be something more consequential that neither of us
HI AND LOIS
wants.
How do I broach the subject with my wife?
Dear Tv Dad: Whoo. TV or not, I don’t see a marriage surviving a genuinely held belief that you selfishly shortchange your kid. I just don’t.
From either side. Not believing in a spouse, or a spouse not believing in me? Dealbreaker.
Normally I’d say it’s about respect, not screen minutes or sugar grams or whatever your boogeyman is, but I think your standards are integral in this case. Because screens are bad, duh — but so is rigidity. By letter’s end, I wanted to beg you both, your wife especially, not to chase parental perfection. Violet won’t be perfect.
You will muck this up. Because we all do. It’s impossible not to!
What is possible: to stay loving, grounded, humble, realistic, flexible. To have perspective, not immovable preconceptions.
In fairness to your wife, Violet needs no acclimation to shows (3!).
In fairness to you, the cognitive risk from 30 minutes of family TV is laughably small next to the damage you’re flirting with now: verbal sparks, stress ailments and scent-diffuser divorce threats. Plus the pressures of being her parents’ artisanal child, if you’ll go to marital war over the exactitude of your standards.
The healthiest answer for Violet is to stop being parent vs. parent over the proper curation of Violet, and start being her two doting parents vs. stress.