Great married life — and blindsided by a terrible crush
Adapted from an online discussion. Dear Carolyn: I am happily married with three awesome kids, a job I like and a pretty great overall work/life balance. And I find myself in an unfamiliar situation: I have a HUGE crush. This man is a friend and neighbor, we are in the same neighborhood social circles, our kids are friends, we carpool to kid activities, my husband is also close friends with him, and we have some professional overlap, too.
I see him probably two to three times a week and find myself looking forward to seeing him again — brushing my hair before I take the dog for a walk in case I run into him, etc. We also text sometimes, mostly about kid logistics, but the texts often turn into longer conversations — NEVER flirty. There is nothing there that I wouldn’t want my husband to see, but I’m well aware of looking forward to those texts, too.
I’m in my early 40s, I’ve been married for 17 years — but started dating my husband as a teen — and this has never happened to me before. All my friends are close with either my husband or this friend, so I feel like I have no one to talk to about this. What do I DO?
Dear Crushed: Wait it out. And snuff it out in small ways that won’t be obvious to anyone but you — like dropping your end of those “longer conversations” where you’re aching to feed them. Temptation is best resisted when it’s early and the thing you’re resisting is, for example, a text vs. a real person in your presence. Think cookies: easiest to resist when they’re in the store and you’re shopping on a full stomach, hardest to resist when they’re on your plate and you’re starving.
This includes not talking about it.
HI AND LOIS
That’s just more fuel.
The snuffing is more of an insurance policy against yourself than anything else, against letting this become something wrong. It’s not punishment for having done something wrong already. An extrarelationship crush is not a terrible thing per se; it’s natural, and it’s a great reminder to brush your hair every once in a while. It’s just not realistic to expect Feelings for No Other Forever (though hats off to couples who pull that off ).
Not only is it normal, your marriage can even get better for some mind-wanderings. It’s all in how you manage the feelings and whom you choose to benefit from your hot dog-walking hair.
For Crushed: Sometimes a crush isn’t about the crush. Maybe look at your own life and marriage a little deeper. Is anything missing there that the crush is tapping into/representative of ? Could you address that thing?
Anonymous: Every crush has what every long relationship is missing: novelty. Apply skepticism accordingly.
There can be more interesting lessons, too, always, yes, so it is worth a think. But only after accounting generously for ennui.
Re: Crushed: A good thing to try: Think of anything unlikable about him. Serious or not is fine. He snaps at dogs. He dislikes brownies. He wears sweater vests. Has an ugly car. It helps.