Surprise, surprise!
First thing every morning, my husband wakes me up with a cup of tea and hands me my phone. Before I’ve even had a sip, I’ll check for any messages from my only child, Hannah. Then I’ll open the geolocation app that lets me monitor where she is at all times. All her regular haunts are on there, so I get an alert whenever she arrives or leaves somewhere. I usually check in every couple of hours, my eyes trained on the blue dot that represents my beloved child.
It would be easy to assume Hannah is a teenager, and I’m concerned for her safety walking to and from school. Or perhaps she’s a fresher, recently arrived at university and on her own for the first time. But Hannah is neither a student nor a teen. She’s 33, married and a mother herself. However, this hasn’t stopped me being involved in every aspect of her life. I know her phone and social media passwords. I have a set of keys to her home (we live just a five-minute drive from one another in Cardiff). I make sure we speak three times a day, and I have influenced her friendships, jobs and even approved her choice of husband. There really is no area of her life that’s off-limits to me.
I realise many will say I’ve taken helicopter parenting to the next level – some might view my behaviour as overly controlling – but I believe it’s the best way of demonstrating my love for my daughter. And on a practical level, I think my involvement makes her life easier. I provide solutions to the problems she doesn’t even know she has. Last summer, for example, Hannah and her husband took their five daughters to Jamaica for two weeks. I was at her house daily checking on their pets, and I couldn’t help noticing that their kitchen needed sorting out – the cream decor was tired and the cupboards were badly organised.
She hadn’t mentioned not liking the kitchen, but I told myself it would be easier if I just went ahead and sorted it. That way I got to choose the paint colour and didn’t have to listen to her opinion. I chose a lovely pale teal for the walls and cupboard doors and tasked my husband Kevin with painting them. Hannah and her husband Scott were stunned (pleasantly, I like to think) when they returned.
It’s not just practical things I’ve been involved with. I make it my business to know about her friendships, too. I think I’m better at spotting a toxic friendship than she is and have told her when she should cut certain people from her life.
As a mum, you never stop worrying about your children’s health, though I admit I sometimes take this to extremes. Two years ago, Hannah was ill with a kidney infection and Scott had to take her to A&E. I wasn’t able to go with them and I couldn’t sleep all night for worrying. So the following morning I went round to see how she was. As it was 6.30am, I let myself in. It was still dark, but I crept upstairs and, with both Hannah and Scott still asleep, I sat on the end of their bed scrolling on my phone.
The light from my screen must have woken them, and they were certainly a bit startled when they realised I was there, too.
People might think my behaviour is a bit odd, but I think it’s sweet that I care so much. Besides, Scott likes me mothering him; he grew up as one of four and sometimes I think he likes the extra attention I lavish on him.
Of course, the big question is why am
I like this with my daughter when she’s a grown-up mother herself, who is arguably perfectly capable of running her own life?
I think the origins of my behaviour can be traced to Hannah’s early years. When I had her at 23, she was very much wanted and planned for. Unfortunately, I split with her father when she was one. So I had to be both mum and dad, making ends meet on my own. I threw all my energies into ensuring Hannah was well brought up, loved and protected. Since then, it’s been impossible to switch off my mothering side.
‘They were startled to find me in their bedroom’
Who pays, plans
When Hannah and Scott got married, it fell to me to pay for it, so I planned the menu, found a DJ and orchestrated the guest list. I even picked Hannah’s wedding dress. I did let Hannah choose the chair covers, but they had to be silver to match the wintry theme.
She does sometimes ignore my advice. With their last child, they’d been hoping for a boy. I did my research, then wrote them a plan of what to eat, when to try to conceive and even lovemaking tips I found online for increasing the chances of having a boy. Of course, they didn’t follow them and Hannah had another girl, who we all love to bits.
Location apps, such as Life360, are an absolute godsend now the family has increased. Hannah, Scott and three of my five grandchildren are signed up, so we can all see where each other is.
Would I ever be able to stop being such a helicopter mum? Honestly, it’s so ingrained in me that I don’t know any other way.