Mr Fun revels in the greatest hits but needs a new tune
Welcome to the Labour party conference as sponsored by Prozac. Also known as the Lib Dem conference. This is a happy place. Where nothing needs to be overthought. Where money is no object. Where the imagination needn’t collide with reality. Where the NHS and the economy is as good as fixed. A sweet, anxiety-free spot. For the time being at least.
The next election is almost five years away. So now they can dream of winning more MPs. Especially if the Tories continue to tack ever rightwards. Maybe they’ll get round to worrying about shedding seats in a few years’ time, but not now. Now is a time for celebration. Hell, after their near annihilation in recent years, they reckon they deserve their glimpse of the Promised Land.
The least Ed Davey could have done was abseil from the ceiling. Instead he appeared from behind a screen while Abba’s Take a Chance on Me was played. Needless to say, Ed couldn’t resist singing and dancing along. Mr Fun had to have his Fun. It’s always surprising how long party leaders can drag out a speech in which they don’t really have anything to say. Ed could have got the whole thing done and dusted in less than 15 minutes.
A quick round of congratulating himself for leading the party to a brilliant result. Five minutes on the NHS and carers. Then a long coda on how the Lib Dems were essentially the Labour party in disguise. Opposition by pen pals. A bit of Tory bashing. Bish bosh and we’d have been out of there and everyone could go home.
Instead, Davey spent the first 15 minutes admiring everyone in the room. And by extension himself. He even invited everyone to applaud themselves. It was all getting very CBeebies. The closest he got to news was saying he had planned to stick his hand up a cow’s bum during the election campaign, but had been persuaded not to. We never learned what he’d been hoping to find up the bum.
“We’re fun, but serious,” Ed said. Though not that serious. He wanted to spend more money on the NHS but he couldn’t be bothered to say how that would be funded. That might have spoiled the vibe. He was, however, quite touching when he talked about his son. “What happens to him when me and my wife are gone?” he asked. It’s a question every parent has asked themselves, though more pertinent for those whose children are disabled.
About half an hour in and you could feel the audience flagging. The applause dropped off. The snores got louder. Maybe these were the loud noises we had been warned about. Ed rescued the day by mentioning how Brexit had wrecked the country. That got the biggest cheer of the day. There were also callouts for former leaders Charles Kennedy and Paddy Ashdown. Though none for Tim Farron who was seated in the front row. Like Nick Clegg, he’s a forgotten man.
Eventually he stopped before breaking into another song and dance. This time Sweet Caroline. Why not? It had been an afternoon of greatest hits after all. But sooner or later, Davey is going to have to find some new tunes. He’s already sounding like a broken record.