How to help a friend who has lost their life partner
Kate Garraway has thanked the public in a video message to ITV’s Good Morning Britain viewers for their support as she deals with the “raw pain of grief” following the death of her husband, Derek Draper.
The GMB presenter announced the death of the 56-year-old former lobbyist turned psychologist and author earlier this month. He had suffered from severe complications from Covid.
So, how do you support a friend who has lost their spouse or partner? Bereavement and grief specialists share some thoughts...
Offer to listen
There’s often a lot of support immediately following somebody’s death. But grief has no timeline, and neither does the need for support.
“Make sure they know you haven’t forgotten their grief in the months and years following a bereavement, and that you are happy to listen if they want to talk about it,” says Bianca Neumann, head of bereavement at charity Sue Ryder.
“If they are busy looking after everyone else, encourage them to allow space for their own feelings too. The most important thing is to listen, and focus on what they are saying to encourage them to open up in a safe space.”
Offer to join them in activities
Though each bereaved person’s experience will be different, offering to join them in doing things together could be helpful on lots of levels.
“Find a hobby or activity that they enjoy and offer to accompany them – whether that is going for a run, doing DIY, walking or watching sports,” says Bianca. “People often talk better whilst doing something and this may encourage them to open up, whilst also taking part in something they enjoy.”
Offer specific help
If your friend is grieving, it’s easy to feel helpless. But there are often lots of ways you could help – but be specific. Louise Bowen, bereavement coordinator at Marie Curie, says: “Rather than saying, ‘Let me know if you need anything’, try to offer specific help, for example, offer to do the shopping or to cook dinner on a certain day. “Sometimes grieving people find it difficult to ask for help when they’re already feeling vulnerable, so be vigilant and practical about how you can support them and make their life easier, and let them know that there is no time limit on your support. “Just being with the person can be helpful and sometimes doing something alongside someone, like going for a quiet walk, can allow conversations to emerge naturally.”
Gift them some writing kit
Supporting them in writing down their feelings may be helpful. As Andy Langford, clinical director at Cruse Bereavement Support, says: “Writing letters can be really comforting. Letter writing helps you get off your chest anything you had left to say to the person.”
A journal could be similarly beneficial – providing a space to help people “sort out [their] thoughts” and “record memories of good times” they shared with their loved one, Andy explains.
Don’t tell them they will ‘heal’, ‘move on’ or ‘get over it’
“People often say ‘time is a healer’, but bereavement isn’t about healing, so much as finding ways to live with grief,” adds Bianca.