Dear annemarie...
Anne-marie Lear is an experienced counsellor who has helped many people overcome struggles including mental health issues, bereavement, isolation and relationship problems. Here she offers guidance on a range of readers’ issues
After a relationship of three years my girlfriend and I’ve split, I blame myself. The sadness is all consuming, I’m not sure how to get out of this state. I still love her, she filled and lit up my world, I was deeply content. She feels the same, but I’m unable to give her the security she seeks. How can I, when I know that life can suddenly change, I can only be honest with her. She’s remains in touch, checking into see if I’m OK and I tell her I am when really, I miss her. She said I was emotionally absent and thought I didn’t talk to her about my feelings. I’m not doubting her words, I can be closed down. I’ve had bouts of low mood over the years, but these occurred when I was going through struggles. I wanted to keep her out of it and deal with it myself. My background plays a big part, my childhood was a difficult one, but it taught me to stand on my own two feet and not rely on anyone. My parents weren’t very tactile, no hugs, they were very practical people but quite unemotional. After their divorce, I never saw dad much and my mother moved abroad, I see little of her. We were never close; I’ve blocked most of my early years out and don’t dwell on it. I’d love to be able to hold down a relationship but given my history I’m not sure I can without complications.
Name and address supplied
It’s one thing to be able to understand your own history, and how it impacts you, but quite another to know how to move forward in a way that you will find what you’re looking for, feel fulfilled and worthy enough to hold on to it.
I believe that most people search for happiness believing that this is enough, but I believe that happiness and a sense of fulfilment can be two different things. Happiness can be achieved quite easily, if we’re presented with the right people, the right circumstances or environment, but it can be fleeting. I feel that we need contrast; to paint a true reflection of our life’s journey, we must live through shade as well as light.
When we suppress emotions such as fear, sadness, hurt, we are taking away the shading from the picture of our lives, and every one of us has a unique picture to paint of a life’s journey.
I don’t believe that we should block out our painful or challenging moments, but rather reflect and embrace them for the life lessons we’ve been taught and the strength it can bring.
How can we know true joy if we have never experienced sorrow? How can we feel the deepest of love if we’ve never felt heartbroken?
In a deeply meaningful relationship, we will share those sorrows and joys, the challenges and the complexities of human life. I understand that you felt you were self-protecting by blocking out trauma, grief, loss, stress and heartbreak, but really this is only helpful for a short period of time, before buried unpleasant emotions arise to disrupt our daily lives. Working through deep emotions with the one you love, is a much more enriching experience.
Move beyond your survival techniques, and towards a new way of being, shift your focus to establishing and embracing a new way of living where you readily acknowledge the challenges you’ve faced and the person they have helped you to become.
■■If you would like Anne-marie to help you through this column, email her on annemarielearcounselling@gmail.com with your issue
■■Anne-marie can be contacted on annemarielearcounselling@gmail.com or 07951 933028 for a counselling appointment. Therapy sessions are held online via Zoom or Skype. Anne-marie is a fully qualified counsellor and member of the BACP (MBACP)