Let’s do this together
I can report that the New Year diet of this newspaper’s 1ft-tall restaurant critic, Bozza backto-five-bellies, is not going to plan after gorging on a half-eaten Cornish pasty and five pre-chewed bits of gum on a fine dining trip across the capital.
I’d arranged to for us to see my old friend Candy, who lives in West London but, as usual, a bus replacement service was running from our local station into Waterloo, so the porkster spent the weekend travelling on a variety of modes of transport, all of which offered a smorgasbord of dining opportunities.
When I checked, some halfwit employee of South Western trains, with no knowledge of geography – on this planet at least – had added a scenic route bus ride via Guildford, Surrey, onto an already horrendous journey for absolutely no conceivable reason.
So instead, I thought I’d be cunning and take us via Paddington, although this would mean dragging the pug through central London.
After two days of riding the subways, escalators, buses and trains of a major international city, our news hound has filed his Pug’s Guide to Eating in the capital:
1. Great Western Railway (GWR) train from Winchester to Reading: Fine dining on one of the filthiest green carpets covered in dried-in vomit and torn-up bits of loo roll. 5/5
2. GWR from Reading to London Paddington: Broken Hula Hoops served on a grazing board of red comfy carpets. 4/5
3. Two lifts down to Bakerloo line after refusing to walk on an escalator: Only light snacks available. 3/5 – lose an extra point for almost being crushed by wheely luggage.
4. Two noisy tubes to London Waterloo. The racket from the tube only just drowned out my belly rumbling in a moving food desert. 2/5
5. South Western train from London Waterloo to Feltham: Slim pickings on a vacuumed carpet. Almost fainted with hunger. 1/5
6. Owner’s house: Stole two bowls of cat kibble, then gorged myself on delicious, sweet cat poo in garden. 5/5
7. Car lift to Staines station. Zilch – just the odour of car polish spray. 0/5
8. Double decker bus restaurant to Reading. Unable to stand up as mum said driver clearly thought he was “bloody Nigel Mansell”, so spent one and a half hours being held like a baby. 5/5
9. Reading Station. Long wait in cold meant multiple snacking opportunities – flaky pastry and baguette crumbs washed down with used teabags. Highly recommend this food hall. 4/5
10. GWR from Reading to Winchester. Packed train meant I was forced to sit on lap, but lady in seat next to me tickling my chin made up for lack of sustenance. 3/5
■ Email me at siobhan.mcnally@mirror.co.uk or write to Community Corner, PO Box 791, Winchester SO23 3RP.
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