Have sex before you go out to dinner. Never tell your partner your fantasies. And why, after you’ve read this, you’ll never want to eat an onion ring again!
As she dies at 96, why the unvarnished sex advice from the legendary Dr Ruth is as relevant today as it was 40 years ago
WHEN I heard the news that the indomitable Dr Ruth, sexpert, author of 40 books, celebrity broadcaster and courageous Holocaust survivor, had died on Friday at the very great age of 96, a moment of sadness at her passing quickly gave way to a grin.
It’s impossible for me to think about this diminutive and delightful pioneer of sexual straight-talking without remembering both her twinkly personality and great humour. And the fact that, though she is now gone, her legacy and her wisdom are very much alive — and still relevant — today.
Dishing out sex advice like ‘good chicken soup’, to quote Ruth Westheimer herself, was surely the key to her phenomenal success.
At just 4 ft 7 in and with a voice described by the Wall Street Journal as a cross between Henry Kissinger (for the German accent she never lost) and Minnie Mouse, Dr Ruth doled out warmth by the ladleful — on the radio, on TV and in books including Dr Ruth’s Guide To Good Sex, The Art Of Arousal and Sex For Dummies — without ever seeming either strident or threatening in her nononsense approach.
Coming from her lips, the words clitoris or penis sounded as mundane as a potato.
When I first saw Dr Ruth, in the early 1980s when I was deputy editor of Cosmopolitan, I thought this little middle-aged lady with a foreign accent must be a spoof. It turned out she had degrees in psychology and sociology and a PhD, and had already been working as a sex educator for some time. That’s when I started to really listen to her.
Her advice was simple and to the point. When asked about how to perform oral sex on a man, she suggested: ‘Make believe it’s an icecream cone.’
ASUGGESTION that may not seem shocking today but in 1980, when she first burst into broadcasting in the U.S., created more than airwaves.
Already, the sexual revolution that had begun in the 1960s had led to a greater openness about sexual matters — and a move away from the clinical approach of the likes of American scientists William H. Masters and Virginia E. Johnson, who researched sexual response in a laboratory, but weren’t exactly popular communicators.
By the mid-1980s, sex talk was becoming more acceptable, especially through magazines such as Cosmopolitan, which I edited from 1985 to 1990. But Dr Ruth, in talking so frankly on radio and TV rather than in print, took the conversation to a broader audience, and one that was just as inclusive of men as women.
Those of us working on UK Cosmopolitan at the time considered Dr Ruth a fellow traveller, and we applauded her from across the Pond.
Much of what Dr Ruth said then is mainstream today, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth repeating because there is still a lot of anxiety — and, indeed, ignorance — around matters of sex.
There’s performance anxiety. Anxiety about how we look. Anxiety about pornography. Anxiety about what is OK and what isn’t — all no doubt exacerbated by social media.
Nothing was off-limits for Dr Ruth. And who doesn’t need reminding sometimes, as Dr Ruth sagely contended, that: ‘If you’re always waiting for that orgasm, you won’t enjoy lovemaking as much. You risk being goalorientated, impatiently waiting for that orgasm.’
Obvious, perhaps. Sensible, for sure. But when it comes to sex, the sensible and the obvious are oft forgotten.
I always listened attentively to Ruth’s tips. A personal favourite of mine was her suggestion that, ‘You don’t have to share your fantasies’.
My view was that a fantasy shared is no longer a fantasy; and in any case your partner might not like it, or get jealous, especially if it doesn’t include them! So I’d like to thank Dr Ruth for giving me the courage to stay schtum.
In today’s quagmire of sexual politics and murky waters of consent, Dr Ruth’s breezy statement that ‘nobody has any business being naked in bed if they haven’t decided to have sex’ might not go down well.
‘This idea that once you are aroused and have already started that you should then ask “Can I touch your left breast, or your right breast” is just nonsense,’ she once said.
And, sadly, ‘put down your screen and get to know one another’ might be no more than wishful thinking. But Dr Ruth certainly didn’t lose her touch.
While speaking out against abusive, extreme and violent pornography, as recently as 2019, she still put the case for sexually explicit material as a useful adjunct to many people’s sex lives.
In other words, she refused to condemn porn per se because she thought it could still be seen as a sexual aid. She even debated in favour of the motion ‘Porn has a place in sex education’ at the Oxford Union.
Frank, funny, entertaining and eye-opening, on questions of intimacy, sadly, there may never be another Dr Ruth. DR RUTH: a lifetime of advice for a great sex life . . .
1 BE A good kisser. The sensations caused by kissing feel so good, so intense. It’s an important part of sex. Don’t neglect it.
2 NO ONE is born a great lover. Everyone needs practise.
3 PUT down the screen and get to know each other.
4 HAVE sex before you go out to dinner.
5 YOU are not twins. You and your partner won’t want to have sex, or the same amount of sex, at the same time. Be willing to adjust to what your partner needs.
6 SET the mood. It’s a myth that great sex needs to be spontaneous — rarely do two people hit their peak without planning. Don’t be in a rush. Give your full attention to your partner as soon as they walk through the door, not just before you get into bed.
7 DON’T be jealous of your partner’s fantasy lovers. After years of being together, many people need fantasy to become aroused for sex . . . with their partner.
8 DON’T be goal-orientated. If you’re always waiting for that orgasm, you won’t enjoy the rest of the love-making as much.
9 YOUR sex life doesn’t have to come to an end just because you hit a certain age.
10 MEN, want stronger sperm? Eat walnuts. [Strange as it sounds, there is evidence to show that walnuts can improve your sperm count. A recent American study of 100 men eating a handful, around 45g, of walnuts a day for three months showed notable improvements in sperm motility, morphology and vitality.]
11 MAKE up your own games. Like an onion ring tossed on to an erect penis!