How do we tell a friend his driving is unsafe?
DEAR BEL
WE ARE a group who socialise and sing together every week and one of us, in his early 60s, offers lifts to others.
But his driving is dangerous; he speeds and has little control over the vehicle.
One chap who was recently in the car with him had to go to bed for two hours when he got home, and I’ve had personal experience of his erratic driving, too. He had two accidents near his home due to very careless parking.
This may sound humorous, but it really is not. He gives lifts to older members and — even though I fear for their safety — I realise they’d miss out on outings and events if he didn’t make the offer.
It’s been suggested the group draws lots and that person has a chat with the guy.
This would go down like a lead balloon in so many ways; nobody would want to do it and it might seem patronising to the older people it most affects.
His brother (who lives a distance away) does not see him very often and would be a neutral person to broach the subject. We seem to have reached an impasse — what would you suggest?
CHRIS
IT CERTAINLY would not be ‘humorous’ if one of your friends were to be injured in a prang.
Being a passenger in a badly driven car can be absolutely terrifying, especially if the driver talks and gestures all the time. This is an example of a little problem which could have big consequences.
I think getting his brother involved is a complete non- starter. So is drawing lots in order to choose the bold person who will tell it like it is. Mr Speedy will get huffy or else just bluff it out; either way, it will surely just make things worse.
And isn’t it rather ‘patronising’ to the older people in need of lifts to assume they have no views or agency on this issue?
Have you asked each what they feel? If they all say they hate the scary lifts, then the choice is either for them or for you ( plural) to suggest an alternative. Another kind person with a car should step up, in which case the needy passenger is encouraged to tell Mr Speedy: ‘You’ve been kind to drive up to now, but honestly, you just go too fast for me.’
Go for the straightforward option.