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THANK you for calling Everycompany.com. Due to an unusually high volume of calls, the ongoing impact of the covid pandemic, adverse weather conditions and the Gods generally conspiring against us, you will be held in a queue. Please be reassured, however, that your call is important to us and is currently number 72 in line.
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‘Please note that our staff work from home—and also, at this time of year, from the beach, so please be tolerant if you hear the sound of seagulls, people playing volleyball or jet skis. You are currently number 53 in line.
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‘Instead of waiting, you might prefer to download our new app, which will allow 24-hour access to our friendly online chatbots. These will offer a few standard answers to questions. Sadly, programmed queries do not include ‘please, oh please can I talk to an actual person?’. If you try hard enough you may be allowed to access our Webchat, so you can message some poor beleaguered soul in a different time zone. You are currently number 43 in the queue.
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‘While you are waiting, you may be interested to hear that our exciting chatbot initiative was the result of a strategic review conducted by our management consultants, Out Of The Box Strategic Thinking. Their recommendations responded to focus group research that suggested that consumers prefer the flexibility of chatbots. As a truly 21st-century enterprise, we listened and we have responded to consumer demands. Conveniently, the recommendations also allowed us to significantly reduce the head count in our call centres and, in turn, increase our shareholder value, pay ourselves huge bonuses and settle our management consultants’ eye-watering invoice. You are currently number 38 in the queue.
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‘Sadly, following another strategic review, our management consultants have highlighted that implementing their chatbot initiative has precipitated a 98% yearon-year fall in profits and are preparing a strategic cost-cutting initiative. You are currently number 10 in the queue.
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‘Please be assured that your call is very important to us. But not quite as important as our profits. After this call, we’d be grateful if you would take part in a short online customer-satisfaction survey.’