Dear Mary: My wonderful 84-year-old partner can’t sustain an erection any more
Q I have a partner for the last 12 years. However, recently his sexual functioning is gone. I’m the exact opposite. I miss our passion for each other.
We are both aged 84. He has been very romantic with lots of romantic moments. We are both widowed and love each other very much. He would love to get help of some kind as he feels bad. I wonder if counselling would help as he is not able to get an erection.
I am writing to you as I do not do email and would love to hear back from you.
A Even though you gave me your name and address, it is not possible for me to write to you directly, so I am answering you through this column instead.
What a lovely letter to get, and I’m sure lots of readers are smiling into their cornflakes or porridge this morning as they see that it is possible to hope for a good sex life no matter what our age.
It would be quite usual for couples in their 80s to look on being fully sexual as a thing of the past, but then you only know each other for 12 years so the passion is still burning brightly.
The ageing process affects us all — some more than others. People need glasses to read, medication to help with conditions such as arthritis and some face ongoing battles with cancer, Parkinson’s disease and many other health issues. It is often said that ageing isn’t for the faint of heart.
One of the areas which can be affected by ageing is sexual functioning, both in males and females, and the most common problem with males is the diminishing in the strength of erections or, indeed, lack of erections altogether.
It may be possible that Viagra would help your partner to regain his erections. However in the first instance he would need to speak with his GP to see if he is a suitable candidate as the GP is the one who is aware of his medical history.
Nowadays it is possible to obtain Viagra directly from a pharmacist, but as I understand it, the pharmacist will want to be assured that there are no underlying health problems that are causing the erectile problems.
So they may ask some questions regarding general health such as heart functioning, and if they are at all concerned they may refer the patient to their GP.
Viagra can have side effects such as a sudden decrease in or loss of vision or severe headaches among other things, so it is not to be underestimated.
So if it is at all possible I would advise visiting the GP. Perhaps you could accompany him to the doctor if he feels a bit shy broaching the subject on his own.
If you were to seek counselling then the therapist would also ask that your partner would consult his GP, so that is by far the best way forward,
I’m sure you will continue to have many lovely sexual encounters, whether or not these involve penetrative sex. It sounds like you already have a very good sex life, one which many people of all ages will envy.
As someone wrote many years ago: “It’s not the years in your life that count, it’s the life in your years.”
May you have many more happy years together.
You can contact Mary O’Conor anonymously by visiting dearmary.ie or email her at dearmary@independent.ie or write c/o 27-32 Talbot St, Dublin 1. All correspondence will be treated in confidence. Mary O’Conor regrets that she is unable to answer any questions privately.