Pining for big family
I’D like a big family. We’re blessed with a boy aged five, but I’d like at least three more children – only my partner says she’s “done at one”.
She loves our son but didn’t enjoy giving birth. Therefore, she has no desire to ever get pregnant again.
I respect her position but also feel my wishes are being ignored.
Of course, the woman must physically give birth. I have promised my partner to do everything in my power to support her a second time around, but now she won’t even discuss the matter.
I think that’s immature, don’t you?
JANE SAYS: Gently explain that you’re not nagging or being unreasonable, but this matter is still on your mind.
Tread carefully, but you are entitled to ask certain questions. Is she worried about her energy levels or the financial implications?
Would she be willing to talk to a health professional regarding her experience of giving birth? Might things be different a second time? Would she consider adoption or fostering?
At some point you will have to come to an agreement for the sake of ongoing harmony.
HOW do I establish if my girl is serious about me?
She says she’s desperate to get married and settle down, but she’s been engaged six times and married twice.
Her first marriage took place when she was just 18. She fell in love with an older guy from her church who was determined to marry a virgin. They were only together for six months before she decided that she hated him.
Numerous engagements followed over the next 10 years with her living in Spain, Denmark and Canada with various men.
One was secretly married, another was a gambling addict, while another was gay. There’s also another mystery man who she refuses to name or discuss so I can hardly begin to guess what went on with him…
To say that she’s unlucky in love/a poor picker is the understatement of the year.
She last tied the knot with a guy she met online. Sadly, that all went wrong when he met someone else and asked for a divorce.
Now she’s back on the market and looking to settle down but I don’t know if I can trust her to go the distance. She swears that I’m the man for her, the guy of her dreams.
She is convinced that I’m the one sent to restore her faith in
SERIAL MONOGAMIST: His girl has been married and engaged multiple times
mankind. When I’m with her everything makes sense. We laugh, we love and have a great time. It’s only when I talk about her to my family and friends that I begin to question her ability to make me feel secure.
Those closest to me aren’t happy about me making her my wife when she has so much baggage.
What’s my next move?
JANE SAYS: Please don’t rush into anything. Take your time, think things through and move at your own pace.
All you can do is look at the woman standing in front of you and judge for yourself if
she’ll make you happy in the long run.
Of course, two divorces and numerous engagements sound a lot, but these things happen, and your partner’s story sounds perfectly reasonable the way you tell it.
Don’t forget that some people have many relationships in their lives. Just because she chose to formally marry the men she thought she loved doesn’t make her any better or worse than someone who has simply lived with a succession of partners or boyfriends.
What’s important is whether
you’re completely happy and comfortable with the person she is now.
Does she genuinely seem trustworthy and decent? It’s understandable for your family and friends to be worried about you but, ultimately, you have to make your own decision about your own life.
Why don’t you tell her that you’d like to take things slowly because there is no rush? Make it clear that you are serious about her but need more time.
This is not about you judging her past; it’s about you being totally sure.