Billy Scanlan15 Embattled Simon has 99 problems
DISTURBANCE WAS NOT ICE
THE most amazing thing about the Taoiseach’s close encounter of the Burke kind was that it happened when he was having a 99.
A quick recap for those needing: Simon Harris was in Mayo trying to secure votes and having a 99. The Burkes turned up — with no 99s — and there was shouting.
I don’t want to downplay the seriousness of this incident. I acknowledge the right to protest, and the right to be able to walk the streets, blah blah blah.
But I think there’s a bigger human right than all of them, and that’s the right to have a 99 in goddamn peace. I ask the Burkes: Is nothing sacred?
Throughout modern history, there’s been an unspoken but meticulously observed 99 amnesty during events of major significance.
Chaos
Aside from the basic human decency of this, there’s the physical practicalities. If you interrupt a 99, the ice cream can and will quickly drip and melt.
Or, if the person has had a bite of flake then some ice cream, the unsightly mix of chocolate and ice cream that follows could linger longer than is acceptable.
It must be said, though, that Simon Harris — who I previously flagged is turning into a Jibba Jabber — brought a lot of the trouble onto himself.
There’s no denying that he decided to have the 99 while canvassing — an extremely poor decision by a leader of any modern nation, even Ireland.
You don’t mix politics with 99s. It’s as simple as that. He might’ve been alright if he’d decided to have a Loop The Loop.
There’s the tricky bit at the end where the green icy bit can fall off the stick, but it’s not the same.
So the fact is he should have waited until AFTER the elections to have the 99.
It’ll probably be a long time before Enoch Burke gets to have a 99 — and perhaps that’s something that’s at the root of this entire saga.
You didn’t see him with one in his hand all that time he was standing outside the school, but perhaps he enjoyed one later in the evenings - which is fair enough.
Perversely, Simon could learn something from Enoch on that front. And the way things are going for his party, there’ll be plenty of time for 99s soon.
LEAVE ME A CONE: Harris with his 99
For example, when the heroes of 1916 were in the GPO and chaos reigned on O’Connell Street, it didn’t happen while anyone was having a 99.
It’s difficult to prove but generally accepted that nobody was having a 99 when Packie Bonner saved a penalty in 1990. The nation was holding its breath.
When Haughey told the nation we needed to tighten our belts he didn’t say anything specific about 99s, he knew not to go there.
The rule — so ingrained in our make-up that it didn’t need a mention in the constitution — is that if someone’s having a 99, let them have the f**king 99.
Tricky
THE increasingly preposterous Jake Gyllenhaal has said being ‘legally blind’ has helped him make movies.
Having had the misfortune of seeing Roadhouse, I suggest it might help those watching them too.