Melania puts herself in solitary confinement
Melania Trump should change her name to Waldo.
On Tuesday morning in Manhattan, with closing arguments set to begin in the first ever criminal case against a former U.S. president, her husband, the defendant, was ranting and raving as per usual when a reporter shouted, “Where’s Melania?”
There was no reply. But it’s not a hard question.
Where’s Melania? Ah, let’s see. She’d rather dig for cobalt in the Congo with her bare hands than sit in a dank courtroom and listen to how her husband allegedly cheated on her with a Playboy model — and then cheated on the Playboy model with a porn star — all while she was pregnant? She’d rather shave her head, wear off-the-rack from Target and volunteer in a soup kitchen before being forced to listen to Stormy Daniels detail a sexual tryst that lasted about as long as a Geico ad?
Melania already knows her husband is a creep and bad in bed.
It’s why her sleep mask is for when she’s not sleeping.
Still, throughout the trial, cable pundits expressed surprise Melania was not standing by her man by dutifully sitting in that court. Where’s Waldo? Does Melania not realize juries pick up on who is and who is not attending a criminal proceeding? Why is she MIA when Agent Orange is SOL? Even Jeffrey Dahmer’s parents showed up to that trial.
Poor Melania has been trapped in a soul-shredding time warp since 2016, when her husband won the presidency and she burst into tears. This was not a waterworks of joy. Melania was crestfallen by the prospect of moving to Washington. She did not marry Donald for his politics. She did it for his money. This was a marriage of convenience with a promise of extravagance. Melania wanted to be a lady who lunches — not the first lady.
She wanted the Hermès bags, not the emotional baggage that comes
with being the plus-one for the worst president in American history. It’s why she has now pulled a Waldo, both in court and on the campaign trail. She could be defending her husband and amplifying his “witch hunt” and “human scum” insanity. Instead, she is hundreds of miles away and trying to make a quick buck with garish, overpriced jewelry for Mother’s Day or, more shamefully, Memorial Day: Honour a fallen soldier with a $175 engraved medallion!
Will Melania ever show her face in any courtroom that has Donald J. Trump on the docket? Nope. Well, if he’s found guilty in this hush money case, she might make a cameo with a placard intended to get the judge’s attention: “Throw the book at him! I need him gone!”
But the main reason she pulled a Waldo in recent weeks?
Melania and Donald are both high on transactional disloyalty. They are the same.
If she thought there was any personal upside in defending her husband as he stares down legal jeopardy on multiple fronts, she’d be holding daily press conferences. She’d stand before the cameras, in a Gucci veil and custom “Free Donald” satin gown, and solemnly excoriate this miscarriage of justice. She’d accuse Joe Biden of weaponizing the DOJ to target her innocent husband because the Democrats are too gutless to take him on at the polls. She’d yammer on about how Donald is the greatest husband ever, a wonderfully attentive father, a natural leader trying to save his country from a socialist abyss.
But she never parrots the red hat talking points because she knows they are lies. She knows the man she married is a pathological liar and raging narcissist who is incapable of caring about anyone but himself. It’s why Melania recently intervened and prevented her son Barron from getting turned into a political prop at the upcoming Republican convention. She is a great mother. I will give her that.
But I’d also bet good money Melania voted for Biden in 2020. Let’s face it, she’d rather live on Mars than return to the White House. You think she has any interest in a Be Best 2.0? You think she wants to be making small talk with the wife of the Kenyan president at a state dinner? You think she wants to get razzed over holiday decor or reconfigure the jonquils, daffodils and tulips in the Rose Garden when she can be sunbathing in Monaco?
Melania cares about politics less than Nick Cannon cares about birth control. Her grand ambitions are limited to an enforceable prenup and monthly cash flow. The frown lines etched into her porcelain face are from her first miserable tour of duty along the Potomac.
So as we await the verdict in Donald Trump’s hush money case, another verdict is in:
Melania Trump has sentenced herself to solitary confinement.