Neighbour threatens a 40-year marriage
TUESDAY, JULY 23, 2024
Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married for over 40 years. He is 75, and I’m 70. I’d always felt secure in my husband’s love and devotion and had not had an issue with trust until a younger, single woman in her 50s moved near us about four years ago. He told me he had stopped by to introduce himself, that she’s really nice and that he enjoyed chatting with her. Since then, certain behaviors he’s displayed -- and my intuition -- lead me to believe he has a strong attraction to her.
I’ve tried to have a friendly chat with her a few times, but she seems to shun me.
Eventually, I knew I had to talk to my husband. I calmly told him what I’d observed. I said he didn’t need to confirm or deny an attraction, and he didn’t. I also said I believe an occasional attraction outside of a marriage is normal and not threatening to a stable marriage. As expected, he assured me of his love, commitment and fidelity.
Since then, I’ve caught him in a few white lies and seen her contact info on his phone when I used it. Her backyard is visible from ours, and I see him staring in her yard several times a day. When we drive by her house, he gawks. This situation is cliche and kind of pathetic. Sometimes I think I should offer him a divorce so he’s free to do what he wants, and I wouldn’t have to suffer the indignities of him having an affair. I’m not sure where to go from here. Please, advise me. -- Trust
Dear Trust: Until there is concrete evidence that your husband is having an affair, I would try to let this go. Forty years is a long time to be married, so just trust in that fact, knowing that your husband has been faithful for a long time. The part that bothers me most is that you have tried to be friendly and she shuns you. Tell your husband about that and that he needs to take your side here. If they want to be friends, then she has to be friendly to you, and if she refuses to be kind to you, then you can insist that your husband back you up and start ignoring your nasty neighbor.
Dear Annie: As someone from the millennial generation, I struggled a lot with unemployment. In fact, sometimes it seemed like my college degree kept me from even the most basic job opportunities. So, I was really happy when someone gave me a chance.
Data entry was not my dream job, but it’s easy enough and it pays the bills. I work in a large, open office space, meaning that it’s a large room with desks adjacent to each other. My company is made up of eight women, and at first it seemed like a polite place. We all greeted each other as we came in every morning and said goodbye in the evening. As a person says bye at the end of the day, others usually respond, but since last week, everyone has been ignoring my greetings and goodbyes.
At first, I thought it was because we were busy. However, I realized this is only toward me. While everyone is excessively kind to one another, when I say “Thank you,” no one responds and nobody says thanks to me either.
At this point, I don’t know if it’s just me being sensitive and taking tally of people’s responses. I am shy and quiet, but at least I always respond when someone addresses me. Is it the culture that has changed? I’m afraid that if I get another job, the situation will be the same or worse.
I have brought this up with management, but the manager is buddies with the other ladies, so she always goes to question if I have proof of them being rude. Should I stay and ignore the situation? Or should I move on? Thanks in advance for your advice. -- Awkward in the Office
Dear Awkward: Ordinarily, I would say it’s worth following up with HR, but if the office politics are such that this woman will take sides with others over you, it might be a moot point. We spend so much of our time at work, and if you feel uncomfortable and like you’re walking on eggshells when you’re there, it might be time to look into other opportunities.
You should also look at how you greet your co-workers. One of my favorite expressions is, “One smile will get you two.”
Dear Annie: I have a friend who I love dearly, but I take issue with how they talk when children are around. Their foul language just shocks me. They don’t care. Even the grandparents swear.
Am I too much of a prude? I feel like telling them they sound very uneducated and it’s abusive to kids. Their kids are cursing, too, their 7 and 10 year olds. I just feel sad about this. Am I wrong? -- Very Loose Lips
Dear Loose Lips: This sounds like a very uncomfortable situation. You and your friends clearly have different opinions on what is and isn’t acceptable, but for the sake of the children, it’s worth gently expressing your discomfort.
The next time this comes up, try saying something to the parents like, “I don’t mind how you talk when it’s just us, but I do worry about the language that’s used when we’re around the kids. Could we ease up on the swearing when they’re around?” Emphasizing your concern for the kids here instead of criticizing the parents will show your heart is in the right place.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology -- featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing. com for more information.
Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.