Feeling sidelined by in-laws
Dear Annie: I’m writing because I have two sisters-in-law through my husband, and together they have three kids, ages 2 and under. In both cases, they have full custody with minimal support from the fathers. Their entire family lives within five miles of each other, and yet my sisters-in-law choose questionable friends to babysit instead of family nearby, despite us offering to help.
It even got to the point where we have spare rooms open in our brandnew home, and we have offered for one sister-in-law to stay with us while she recovered from postpartum, but she opted to move into the tiny onebedroom home with her sister instead, despite risking eviction.
Their brothers, mother and I are constantly left feeling like we are only reached out to for rides, grocery pickups or doctor’s visits, but outside of that, we get baby photos in a messenger app. On top of all this, they consistently repost things on social media about having no help, feeling isolated and saying that their “village” doesn’t exist. Meanwhile, the village we’ve been attempting to offer has seemingly been ignored at every turn.
We’re hurt and tired and starting to feel like it may be better to stay away for the time being.
Any advice or tough love would be greatly appreciated. Are we trying too hard? Not hard enough? -- Village-inwaiting
Dear Village-in-waiting: Have you spoken to your sisters-in-law about this? Are you close? If not, then try to make an effort with them instead of judging them for their choices in who they want to have babysit their children. Trust is the most important thing when leaving your child in the care of someone, family or not. Keep trying to show that you are trustworthy and that you want to be close to them. Make sure you speak with them about your willingness to help babysit the children.
Dear Annie: More than 25 years ago, my wife cheated, likely multiple times with multiple men. She wanted to divorce me, but I convinced her to go to couples therapy. I won’t go into all the details, except this: The therapist recommended that she not share who the affair partner(s) were. They were a husband-and-wife team of therapists, and I still remember them saying that normally they recommend sharing information, but in this case, they do not.
Because of this, I have constant fear and resentment that any male acquaintance is him. This is not good way to live, or stay married.
Repeatedly, she has said I have never met or spoken to any of the men she was with, nor has she seen or had any contact with any of them whatsoever in the last 25 years. This really is hard to believe, since we live in a fairly small metropolitan area, and it seems unlikely we never crossed paths. Should we return to counseling so either I can accept this or she can actually share this information? Should I just go alone to learn to accept? -- Frustrated and Angry Husband
Dear Frustrated and Angry Husband: Twenty-five years is a long time to stay in a marriage where you still don’t fully trust your partner. It is understandable that you have some fears, but you can’t let them rule over your relationship. You have to ask yourself, can I forgive her for her indiscretions 25 years ago? If you can, then you have to truly forgive and let go of your anger and hurt over the past. The rearview mirror is a lot smaller than the front windshield for a reason.
With that being said, if you can’t forgive and are constantly mistrusting, then yes, you have to go back into therapy. Living in fear or doubt is no way to live and does not lead to a healthy relationship. In the end, it really hurts you.
Dear Annie: I’m 70, and my mother is 93, and we have the same dynamic as a writer described to you of her criticizing everything.
What this controlling criticism stems from is a persistent low level of anxiety and a narcissistic tendency. She’s not going to respect anything I say, no matter how I say it.
Hence, I have learned to keep my visits with my mom short and focused on something external: a meal out with shopping or a movie (which she always criticizes). I keep the conversation focused on external interests. For instance, we both like nature, so news on climate change or PBS shows are a good topic for her.
Most importantly, I tell her nothing personal. If she disapproves, I deflect. If she persists, the visit is over. She will never validate or approve. My advice to everyone in a similar situation is: Stop driving yourself nuts. -- Struggling for Independence
Dear Independence: It sounds like you have a good system in place to protect yourself from your mom’s negativity while at the same time spending time with her.
Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.