Seeking harmony in the household
Dear Annie: I have been married for 23 years. This is the second marriage for both of us.
My wife has a couple of so-called friends who I have bad vibes about. In the first case, her friend “Carolyn” called my father a loser. I told her off, and when my wife questioned her, she denied it, and then my wife accused me of being a liar. She said that Carolyn doesn’t lie. My wife doesn’t understand why I refuse to socialize with Carolyn and her husband.
With respect to my wife’s family, I have had conflict with her two sisters. In a recent visit, her sibling did not say anything to me when we were at our hotel room. My spouse said nothing on my behalf. Her other sister had a wedding for one of her daughters. When she saw me at the gathering, I attempted to initiate conversation, and she displayed a hostile attitude toward me, which included the father of the bride as well. My wife, again, said nothing to her about it. The explanation was that she was who she was and I have to accept that.
What is the best remedy for such? -A Concerned Husband
Dear Concerned Husband: The best remedy for this situation is to avoid situations as much as possible with your wife’s friend Carolyn or with her sisters. But don’t in any way try to limit the time your wife spends with her friends or sisters. Just because you don’t like them doesn’t mean your wife has to not like them. She can decide with whom she spends her time, just like you can decide who you spend time with.
Have another conversation with your wife about how her sister’s and Carolyn’s actions made you feel. Maybe then she can talk to her sister and Carolyn so that if you all encounter each other again, you can treat each other with respect for the sake of your wife. I’m sure this whole situation puts your wife in a tough position, and finding a little more peace among her husband, friends and family will make her happier.
Dear Annie: I’m writing in response to the letter from “Missing My Things,” the woman whose husband kept throwing away her belongings. My husband and I have a similar issue, to a lesser degree. He is a hoarder, not of trash, but he fills all available space with items so that we don’t have room to use our space. I am a neat freak. Tidiness helps me cope with my anxiety problems. I felt suffocated by his mess. I felt like I could not function. I began to experience symptoms of anxiety and depression.
When I complained angrily, he heard it as moodiness, because he thought his behavior was reasonable. When we had been married several years, after counseling, I was able to communicate how it makes me feel, and he made an effort to change his behavior.
We have managed to make a life in which we both feel comfortable and we minimize fighting by using simple geography. He is free to hoard as much as he wants in the garage and in the room he uses as his office, and I am free to tidy the rest of the house as much as I like, as long as I put his items in his office rather than throwing them away.
In fact, I started by asking for just one room with no stuff, and little by little he made more rooms available. My suggestion for “Missing My Things” would be to establish these types of boundaries for both parties and to try to get her husband to talk about his needs. -- Neat Freak
Dear Neat Freak: Thank you for your inspiring letter. It shows that when you put in the time to work on your marriage and come up with a compromise that makes both of you content in your own home, good things happen. Congratulations on a job well done.
Dear Annie: I just read your response to the letter regarding the lack of appreciation for a wedding gift. While I completely agree that the couple should have sent thank-you notes, an awful thought crossed my mind. We just had our wedding last year, and we sent out combination personalized thank-you/holiday greeting cards to our friends and family.
What if some of these got lost in the mail? The thought made me sick that someone might be harboring bad feelings toward us even though we tried to be heartfelt, gracious and timely with our cards. How would we even know? -- Thankful
Dear Thankful: Lost in the mail is always a possibility. I suppose if you are really worried that someone did not get your thank-you note, then you could ask them. But my suggestion is to block out this thought and just assume everyone received your combination greeting cards. I would only bring it up if someone asks you about it.
Dear Annie: My son has been dating a woman for three years. They have been living together for two of those years. From the beginning, my gut told me that this woman is not right for my son, but I’ve worked hard to be kind to her for his sake. My husband and I recently Facetimed them, and we both noticed how the girlfriend sat behind him and mockingly laughed at my son.
My husband confronted her during the conversation, to which she promptly clammed up. My husband and mother have both expressed their reservations about this woman, confirming that I’m not just an overinvolved mother.
Annie, how do I respectfully alert my son to our misgivings about this woman? Since there is a good chance they will get engaged this year, I’m afraid time is ticking! -- Time is Ticking
Dear Ticking: Mocking is never OK, and you have every right to be concerned. Take your son out to lunch and see how he is doing. Don’t bring up his girlfriend at all; just check in with him and see how he is feeling. At the end of the day, your son can marry who he wants, but you do have the right to be concerned if she is being mean to him.
Dear Annie: During this horrible cold spell we are experiencing, I would encourage your readers who love animals to please make an effort to help animals in need. For instance, for those who take care of stray cats, put out a shelter for them until the weather is better. It’s now they need you the most. An old Igloo cooler with a hole to enter with straw (not hay or blankets) works great. Place under an evergreen or a secluded place.
I put a kitty door in our shed. In it we have a few boxes I threw together (Home Depot cuts lumber for free; all you need are dimensions and nails or screws). I even took a few very heavy boxes and filled them with straw, making sure it was not going to get wet.
When it comes to birds, it is now they depend on us most. They need high-quality food with protein, and water, so I suggest keeping water dishes open to drink.
Besides, this will help your own health, because all these efforts are good for your soul and healthy ways to keep moving when it’s -10, as it is where I live. Brr, gotta run -- my suet feeders are running low! -- Hungry Pets
Dear Hungry Pets: I love this letter encouraging us to take care of those who can’t take care of themselves. Children and animals need our help and protection. Thank you for your letter.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology -- featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing. com for more information.
Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.